


Turncoat

by Dracothelizard



Category: Take That (Band)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Mark's lovely jacket, Present Tense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-26 03:04:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4987657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dracothelizard/pseuds/Dracothelizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gary learns the hard way that coats don't like it when you make fun of 'em night after night.</p><p>And to make things worse, Robbie's the only one who believes him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Turncoat

**Author's Note:**

> The concert was so crack-filled, clearly what we need is some crackfic go with it! 
> 
> Thanks to LittleMoose for a) giving me the idea in the first place and b) checking it over for errors.
> 
> And none of this ever happened, obviously.

He chokes on his tea when Mark walks out in his costume for The Garden. Howard thumps him on the back harder and longer than is strictly necessary. “What is that?” Gary manages, eventually.

 

Mark looks down at himself, as if it he isn’t wearing a coat that seems to be made out of leftover tinsel from Christmas. “My jacket?” he replies.

 

“Please tell me mine doesn’t look like that?” he asks. He’s pretty sure he asked for something without fringes that would get in the way of playing the piano.

 

Mark huffs. “No, Gary. You’d know this if you paid more attention to wardrobe and costume design, you know.”

 

“That’s what we’ve got you for, haven’t we?” he jokes. He gets up, cup of tea in his right hand, to inspect the jacket up close. It doesn’t look any less ridiculous. “But are you sure about this? It’s a bit… much.”

 

“We’ll be surrounded by giant jellyfish and neon tentacles, and you’re worried about a jacket?” Howard asks, and snorts.

 

It’s a fair point. “All right, the jacket can stay.” He smiles before taking another sip from his tea. “But I am going to make fun of you for it every night.”

 

*

 

And, true to his word, he does make fun of Mark for the jacket, even during rehearsals and run-throughs. It’s just such a hideous, ridiculous and downright weird jacket, even taking the rest of the stage into account.

 

“That thing’s gonna strangle you,” he jokes one night, when Mark takes it off and dumps it on his piano.

 

“I like what you did with last year’s Christmas decorations,” he says another night, and is actually impressed that the fringes have never got in the way of Mark’s guitar playing.

 

“Somebody burn that coat.” Mark just laughs as he returns to his mic after having taken off the jacket, and Gary shakes his head at it. It moves slightly, and he frowns, hoping it doesn’t slide off the piano. He makes a note to talk to Mark about making sure he doesn’t leave the coat anywhere near the edge.

 

The next night, though, just before he starts Could It Be Magic, it happens again. The coat moves, several seconds after Mark’s let go of it. On the bright side, it seems to be moving towards him rather than the edge of the piano.

 

On the down side… he’s pretty sure coats aren’t supposed to move on their own. Maybe there’s a slight slope to their stage? He’ll have to check with the crew.

 

The next day, they assure him there’s no slope, they’ve checked, and they check again, and then Gary checks himself with a spirit-level, and nods.

 

And yet, that evening, the coat moves again. It’s only a few inches, but it’s definitely moving towards him. Maybe it’s the vibrations from the music? But then, why doesn’t his jacket or Howard’s boa move as well?

 

*

 

They’re in Newcastle when Mark is checking his coat before the concert starts. “Just want to make sure it’s still all right,” he says. “Some of the fringes have fallen off.”

 

“You can have some of mine,” Howard says, flicking his boa at Mark’s face.

 

Mark laughs, stepping out of the way. “Nah, you need those fringes more than me to distract from your trousers.”

 

“Hey, those were your idea!” Howard flings the boa around his neck dramatically, and flops down on the sofa next to Gary.

 

“If you want the fringes from mine…” Gary offers.

 

“You’ve barely got any!” Mark holds the jacket out in front of him, eyeing it critically. “I think it’s fine.” He walks over to the sofa, holding it out in front of Gary and Howard. “What do you think?”

 

“I still think it’s a health hazard,” Gary tells him. “Seriously, have you had that tetanus shot yet?” One of the sleeves flutters towards him, and Gary jerks back, frowning at it. “Did you see that?”

 

“What?” Mark turns it around. “Is there a bald spot?”

 

“No. It moved.” Gary’s sure of it.

 

Mark lowers the jacket, and frowns at him. “Of course it moved, I was holding it.”

 

“No, it was –” moving by itself. He closes his mouth, realising how stupid that sounds. “It must’ve been that, yeah.”

 

Coat didn’t move by themselves, everybody knew that.

 

He’s still going to keep a close eye on it, though.

 

*

 

He’s just told Mark to keep his coat away from the younger members of the audience, as it’s obviously a choking hazard, when the coat _lunges_ towards him on the piano. It’s only the sleeves that move, and only half a foot, but he’s definitely startled.

 

“Are you dazzled by the beauty of my coat, Gary?” Mark asks, then nudges his shoulder.

 

Gary blinks. “No, just blinded for a moment.” His fingers find the right keys automatically, but he keeps an eye on the coat for as long as he can. For the first time during the tour, he’s very happy to get on his feet and dance. The more distance between him and that coat, the better.

 

*

 

When he enters Mark’s dressing room to ask if he’s seen Gary’s phone anywhere, the first thing he spots is that coat. It’s lying on one of the chairs, looking perfectly harmless. “What’s that doing there?” he asks.

 

“Oh, hey Gary.” Mark frowns slightly. “What’s what doing where?”

 

He stays in the door opening, and gestures at the chair. “That.”

 

Mark smiles. “My coat?” He shrugs. “I don’t know, it was there when I got here. I guess someone left it after cleaning up last night. Don’t worry,” he says, when he notices Gary frown. “I’ll bring it with me and put it in the right place for tonight.”

 

It’s not the costume change he’s worrying about. “Well, make sure it stays there.”

 

He doesn’t check once he’s behind the stage and ready to go on, because he’s pretty sure that it won’t be in its rightful place at all.

 

*

 

The coat keeps turning up in Mark’s dressing room while they’re in Manchester, and Gary doesn’t bother asking how it got there after the third time Mark shrugs it off as probably having been done by one of their crew. “Better they put it here than leave it in the arena for some fan to run off with,” Mark says, picking it up and folding it over his arm.

 

Gary eyes it. Is he imagining things, or is the coat curling tighter around Mark’s arm? It’s hard to tell with all those fringes. “Are you sure you aren’t too hot in that thing?” he asks.

 

“A bit, yes.” Mark smiles as he pats the jacket. “Why do you think I’m not wearing it for Could It Be Magic? Still, it’s all worth it. I don’t know why you’re still going on about the jacket, Gaz, it really finishes the whole underwater look.” His smile widens. “Maybe we should switch coats tonight!”

 

The coat shifts slightly in Mark’s arms, and Gary wonders if that’s the coat or Mark. He manages to smile back. “No, thanks, I’ll stick to my own.” At least his jacket doesn’t seem to have somehow come to life.

 

*

 

On their second to last night in London, Gary walks into his own dressing room and finds the coat lying on the floor in front of him, only a few feet away.

 

He’s not scared.

 

“How the hell did you get here?” he mutters, and crouches down to take a closer look. He hears a low, strange rustling sound, and when he realises that it’s coming from the coat, he freezes. Was that meant to be a growl?

 

The coat becomes bigger, puffing up its fringes, and then slithers closer to him.

 

Gary gets up and steps back. “No,” he says, pointing at it. “No. Bad. Bad coat.”

 

The coat is undeterred, and slithers closer.

 

He gets out of his dressing room, shuts the door behind him and then walks at a quick pace to find Mark or Howard or both. Preferably both.

 

Because maybe he’s a little bit scared.

 

*

 

“Is it stress?” Mark asks kindly, as he picks up the coat from the floor.

 

“No!” He’s not imagining things. He’s not.

 

“Been sleeping well?” Howard asks, also eyeing him with some concern.

 

“Guys, I’m telling you, it growled at me.” The coat, of course, is lying perfectly still in Mark’s arms. He glares at it.

 

Howard and Mark share a worried glance. “That was probably just a noise from down the hall,” Howard suggests. “Crew moving stuff around, or something.” He puts his hand on Gary’s shoulder, and squeezes it. “Hey, I know it’s weird, touring with the three of us, but –”

 

“It’s not that.” He shrugs off Howard’s hand irritably. Something is going with that coat, he knows it. “I don’t think you should wear it tonight, Mark.” It’s not safe.

 

Mark laughs. “Oh, I see what you’re doing.” He shakes his head. “You really are determined to have this coat gone from the show, aren’t you? Come on, just try it on, it really is a lovely jacket.”

 

He steps back when Mark moves closer. “No, stay away from me with that thing.” A shudder runs down his spine at the thought of wearing it. “Just – just put it with the rest of the costumes.” He walks off, not sure where he’s going, but determined to be somewhere that bloody coat isn’t.

 

It’s not stress. That coat is alive somehow, and he wishes he could talk to someone who believes him. And if Howard and Mark already think he’s going round the bend, who can he rely on?

 

The answer, once it hits him, is obvious.

 

*

 

When he finally reaches Robbie the next day, it’s five minutes before he can get a word in. He has to smile, though, since Robbie is still on a performance high from yesterday, having just kicked off the second European leg of his tour.

 

“Look, Rob. Rob!”

 

Robbie pauses his rambling about the great atmosphere at Pinkpop at last. “What?”

 

He runs his hand through his hair, wondering how he’s gonna put this. ‘I think Mark’s ridiculous coat is alive’ isn’t really what he wants to start with. “I just – we might have a bit of a problem here.”

 

“With what? I thought you said things were working well enough with the three of you. You always knew it was gonna take some adjusting,” Robbie tells him.

 

Gary closes his eyes for a moment, and smiles. He’s getting assurance from Robbie Williams, of all people. How the tables have turned. “It’s not that,” he replies. “It’s – you’ve seen pictures and videos, right? Of the show?”

 

“Yeah, and it looks amazing. Look, if no one wants those massive jellyfish, I could always do with one.”

 

He snorts. He doesn’t doubt for one minute that Robbie genuinely wants one of their jellyfish. “Then you’ve seen Mark’s ridiculous coat as well.”

 

“Yeah, the shiny one.”

 

This is it. The moment of truth. “I – I think it’s come to life.”

 

“What?”

 

“The coat.”

 

“Huh.”

 

Robbie is quiet after that, and Gary is relieved Robbie didn’t immediately start doubting him. “Yeah.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes.” He lets out a laugh. “Yes, I’m sure. It started out small, you know, with it moving towards me on the piano, and I thought it was just, I don’t know, vibrations from the bass making it move, or something. But I’m pretty sure the sleeves were lunging at me a couple of weeks ago.”

 

“Have the others noticed anything?” Robbie asks.

 

“No, they think I’m imagining things.”

 

“Maybe it’s just after you, then.”

 

“It’s not _after_ me,” Gary tells him. “Why would a coat be after me?” Then again, it _did_ turn up in his dressing room yesterday. And growled at him.

 

Oh God, a living coat is after him.

 

“Well, did you do anything to upset the coat?” Robbie asks, his tone perfectly reasonable as if this is a conversation he has every day.

 

“Did I do anything to upset the coat?” Gary splutters. “Why are you asking me that?”

 

“Because if that coat’s after you, it’s got to be after you for a reason.”

 

“It’s a _coat_ , it’s not supposed to be after anyone!”

 

“I know that, but if you can figure out why it’s after you, maybe you can change that. What’s it been doing so far?”

 

He tells Robbie about it moving on the piano, and turning up in Mark’s dressing room. “And yesterday it was in my dressing room and – and it growled at me.”

 

“That coat is _definitely_ after you,” Robbie informs him. “I don’t know what you did, Barlow, but you’ve upset Mark’s coat.”

 

“I haven’t done anything to upset the coat! All I did was mock it a couple of times,” Gary replies. “Well. Every night, really. But have you seen it?”

 

“So you’ve made fun of the coat every night, and now you’re surprised it doesn’t like you?” Robbie snorts. “I don’t blame it.”

 

He can’t believe Robbie is siding with the ridiculous coat. “It is a coat. It’s not supposed to be upset by my jokes!”

 

“Well, it is.”

 

Gary lets out a huff. “I’m not apologising to a coat.”

 

“You might have to,” Robbie tells him. “I mean, do you really want to be strangled in bed by that coat?”

 

He can imagine the fringes tightening around his neck… No, that’s just daft. “Oh, come on, it’s not gonna get from the dressing room to our hotel in the middle of the night, is it?”

 

“You don’t know how it travels, do you? It turned up in your dressing room out of the blue, who knows what else it can do?”

 

“It’s a coat!”

 

“Yes, and it’s a sentient coat that doesn’t like you!”

 

“Maybe I should burn it,” he muses.

 

“Oh yes, Mark’s gonna like that,” Robbie scoffs. “You burning one of his costumes. The costume designers are gonna kill you for that.”

 

Gary shrugs. “I’m just saying, we’ve got pyrotechnics in the show, accidents happen.”

 

“Gary!”

 

“Not with him in it,” he adds quickly. “If the coat just happens to be lying on stage when we do Relight. Well.” He’s not sure how to get the coat with him to the B stage to get it in the ring of fire, though. He’ll have to think about that one.

 

“Gary, just apologise to the coat and stop making fun of it, all right?” Robbie tells him. “It’ll be easier, and less dangerous.”

 

He can’t believe Robbie of all people is advocating the less dangerous option. “I’m still not apologising to a coat.”

 

“All right, but the press is gonna have a field day coming up with headlines,” Robbie tells him. “Take That star found dead after… what’s it called when you strangle yourself while wanking to make it feel better? That. That’s what they’re gonna go with, you know.”

 

“I’m not gonna be killed by a coat, Rob, but thanks for the vote of confidence,” he replies.

 

“Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

 

“Goodbye, Robbie,” Gary tells him.

 

“Say hi to Mark and Howard for me,” Robbie says. “And do it soon, before that coat gets you.”

 

He snorts as he hangs up.

 

He is not going to get murdered by a coat.

 

*

 

Later that day, he gets a long and slightly rambling email from Jason. He skims it, and sighs when he gets to the bit where Jason tells him that repressing his feelings about the changed situation isn’t healthy.

 

Clearly, Mark and Howard have shared their concerns with Jason, and Jason, of course, has decided that there’s some deeper psychological issue that needs to be dealt with rather than an actual sentient coat.

 

He clicks on ‘reply’, then hesitates. He’s not sure how to explain the matter to Jason in a way that makes sense. He managed to get Robbie to believe him, but he’s not sure if that counts in his favour. He does eventually send an email to Jason assuring him that he is fine, honest, and that while he does miss Jason, he doesn’t miss him enough to hallucinate a coat stalking him.

 

*

 

The next morning, he gets a message from Robbie that he frowns at for a moment. Robbie’s coming to see their show? That night? Why didn’t he know about this until now?

 

He sends Robbie a message that he could’ve let them known sooner, and Gary thinks to himself that he could’ve saved himself the money on the phonecall if he had known Robbie was gonna come and see their London show.

 

A few seconds later, there’s a message from Robbie saying he didn’t know any sooner, and he’s coming over to see the amazing coat for himself. _As well as your amazing performance, Captain!_

 

He snorts when the next message is nothing but red hearts and confetti.

 

_Oh thanks, no pressure to do well tonight, then._

_You haven’t let me down so far!_ _See you tonight, Gaz, xxxxx._

He feels better knowing that tonight, at least, he’ll have someone there who believes him.

 

*

 

After the show – where the coat definitely crept closer to him on the piano, Gary’s sure of it – they all gather in his dressing room. The coat, thankfully, does not make a guest appearance.

 

The four of them chat about the show, about the tour so far – Robbie’s as well, of course – and how good it is to talk to each other again. Eventually, even Robbie stops talking about their brightly coloured tentacles, and sighs. “So, guys, there’s no easy way to say this, but there’s an elephant in the room I think we need to address.”

 

“Nah, we did the elephant years ago,” Mark jokes, but his smile is a little strained.

 

“Not that one,” Robbie replies, grinning at Mark. “A new one.”

 

Howard slumps down further on the sofa. “It is weird doing this without Jason. I thought I’d be used to it by now.”

 

“Not, er, that elephant either,” Robbie says, and he looks a little taken aback. “I meant the coat. Mark’s coat.”

 

Mark raises his eyebrows. “Not you as well, Rob! It’s bad enough from him here.” He nods at Gary. “It’s a perfectly fine coat.”

 

“Yes, and it’s trying to kill him,” Robbie replies.

 

Mark and Howard stare at him, while Gary clamps his mouth shut, resisting the urge to say that the coat hasn’t actually tried to kill him.

 

“Did Gary put you up to this?” Mark asks.

 

“No.” Robbie sighs. “Look, I was keeping an eye on it, right, and I swear, I saw it move after you took it off. It was moving towards Gary.”

 

“That was probably just a trick off the lights,” Howard suggests.

 

Robbie shakes his head, and Gary smiles to himself. “It wasn’t. I swear to God, I saw it move.”

 

Mark is starting to look worried, but Gary thinks he’s more worried for Robbie’s sanity than about his coat. “Rob, if it makes you feel better, I can show you the coat. You can see for yourself.” He gives Gary a significant look. “Come on.”

 

The coat, however, isn’t where it’s supposed to be, neatly packed away with the rest of Mark’s outfits and ready to be taken to Manchester. “That’s weird,” Mark mutters.

 

“I bet it’s in your dressing room,” Gary says. He’s not surprised the coat isn’t here.

 

“No, but… who would do that?” Mark asks. “Everyone knows we’re leaving for Manchester, why would they leave it in my dressing room?”

 

“Wherever it is, we best find it,” Howard says. “Can’t be hard to find, can it?”

 

Gary grins at Robbie. “Yes, we just ask around to see if anyone’s spotted a hideous jacket.”

 

Robbie doesn’t smile. “Gary, when we do find it… I really think you should apologise.”

 

He sighs. Fortunately, they’re a few feet behind Howard and Mark, and Gary is pretty sure they haven’t heard Robbie’s suggestion. “I’m not apologising to a coat.”

 

“All right,” Robbie replies, and shrugs. “Your funeral.” He gives Gary a surprisingly serious look.

 

*

 

The coat is, as Gary expected, lying Mark’s dressing room. Mark picks it up immediately, shaking it out before folding it over his arm. “Well, that’s one mystery solved.”

 

Robbie nudges Gary. “Can you insult it?” he asks quietly.

 

“What?”

 

“I’m thinking, if you insult it, right now, it’ll probably get mad enough to attack,” Robbie replies.

 

Gary raises an eyebrow. “I thought you wanted me to apologise?”

 

“You can do that later. We need to prove to them that it’s actually out to get you.”

 

“Hey Robbie, why don’t you try it on?” Mark suggests. “Or are you scared?” He laughs as he offers Robbie his coat.

 

Robbie just looks at Gary. “Oh yes, Rob, you can borrow it for the rest of your tour,” Gary says. “You won’t even need to give it back. D’you have any pyrotechnics in your show?” He flinches when he hears the low rustling noise again. It’s definitely coming from the coat.

 

Mark’s eyes widen as he looks down at his coat, and Howard and Robbie take a big step back. “What?”

 

“I told you!” Gary’s pointing at it triumphantly. “It growled at me!”

 

“That was probably just – hey!” Mark’s pulled forward as the coat lunges for Gary, and Gary jumps out of the way and hides behind Robbie. Mark is still holding the coat, but only barely. Its sleeves are trying to reach for Gary, floating in mid-air. “Stop it!”

 

The sleeves drop immediately, and the coat goes still again. Mark immediately lets it drop on the floor.

 

Gary’s heart is racing in his chest, and he lets go of Robbie’s shoulders when he realises he’s clutching them. “Now do you believe me?”

 

“That was really fucking weird,” Howard says, who looks the least ruffled of all of them. Probably because the coat didn’t decide to attack him, Gary thinks. “Why would it do that?”

 

“Never mind the ‘why’, what about the ‘how’?” Gary demands. He’s still standing behind Robbie, just in case that coat moves again.

 

Mark crouches down next to the coat. “Yes, how did you do that?” he asks, reaching for it with one hand.

 

“Mark, careful!” Gary moves to stand closer, but still doesn’t dare to pull Mark away.

 

“It’s my coat,” Mark replies, his eyes on it. “I think if it wanted to harm me, it would’ve by now.” He touches it, his fingers brushing the sleeves.

 

The coat slithers ever so slightly closer to Mark, and Mark jerks his hand away immediately.

 

“I think it likes you,” Howard supplies helpfully. He’s moved forward, standing next to Mark, and crouches down as well.

 

Of course the coat likes Mark. “Great, but what are we doing about the fact that it’s _alive_ somehow?” Gary asks, folding his arms. He didn’t expect them to react like this at all.

 

“D’you think it’s hungry?” Mark asks, eyeing Howard, who shrugs.

 

“Dunno. Do coats need to eat?” As one, Mark and Howard both look at Gary.

 

He shudders. “I don’t want to know,” he mutters. “Look, can we please just get rid of it now?”

 

The coat moves towards him, rustling threateningly again, and puffing itself up.

 

“Hey,” Mark tells it, his voice soft. “Gary didn’t mean it.” He reaches for it again, carefully stroking one of its sleeves. “There, there. You’re all right, aren’t you?”

 

The coat stops rustling at Gary, and instead slithers back to Mark, letting itself be petted.

 

“Mark, stop touching it!” Gary tells him, but Mark just laughs.

 

“It’s harmless, Gaz, relax.” He nudges Howard. “You try it.”

 

Howard looks a little apprehensive, first only brushing his fingers across the same sleeve Mark is stroking, then grinning as it doesn’t growl at him. “He’s right, Gary. It really is harmless.”

 

Robbie smiles as the coat makes a high-pitched rustling sound, as if it’s pleased. “I think that’s your cue to apologise to it, Gary.”

 

Gary is too busy staring. Howard and Mark keep petting the coat, which is slithering from left to right, like a dog sprawling out for a good petting session, and it keeps making those pleased rustling noises. “It’s a coat.”

 

“Yes,” is all Robbie says.

 

“I – I can’t apologise to a coat,” Gary says. It’s ridiculous. It’s a coat. It’s not supposed to be lying on the floor of Mark’s dressing room, being petted by his two bandmates. “It’s not supposed to be alive.”

 

“This one definitely is.” Mark scratches it just below the collar, and the high-pitched noises become louder. “Oooh, you like that, don’t you?” he coos, like it’s a puppy. “Yes, you do!”

 

Howard looks up at him, his left hand still stroking one of the coat’s sleeves. “I thought you’d be pleased we finally believed you.”

 

“I am!” He really is. “I just –” He didn’t expect them to start _petting_ the damn coat. “It’s a coat. We have to fix it. Make it… unalive, somehow.”

 

At that, the coat goes completely still, then slithers to lie underneath Mark, between his feet.

 

“Oh, look, Gaz, now it’s scared!” Mark sits down, making sure not to sit on the coat. “There, there, Gary didn’t mean it like that.” The coat then slithers into his lap, and Mark resumes his petting. Howard settles down next to him, idly stroking the sleeve that’s still lying on the floor.

 

“We have no idea why or how it’s alive,” Howard says, “so how would we do that?”

 

“He’s got a point,” Robbie tells him. “Why not consider it your little tour mascot?” His smile widens. “That’s what I do with my dogs.”

 

“It’s not a dog,” Gary says stubbornly, but he can tell he’s fighting a losing battle. Howard and Mark seem to think the coat is pretty friendly, and Robbie is clearly still hung up on his apologising idea.

 

Robbie sighs. “Just say you’re sorry for wanting to burn it, and whatever else you said.” He smirks. “Whatever you said, whatever you did, you didn’t mean it.”

 

Gary glares at him, then looks at Howard and Mark. They are looking up at him expectantly, the coat lying in Mark’s lap. He sighs; he knows when he’s outvoted. “Fine. Coat, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t’ve said I wanted to burn you. Although you are a choking hazard,” he adds. “So stay away from small children.”

 

The coat moves a little, but not in aggressive way. “I think it’s listening, Gary,” Mark says. “Go on.”

 

He needs to apologise even more? This evening is getting ridiculous. “I was just joking around on stage,” he says. “I guess you haven’t been alive long enough to know what jokes are.”

 

“Or maybe your jokes are just that bad,” Robbie mutters. “Hey!” He glares at Gary for elbowing him.

 

Gary huffs, then crouches down. “So, what do you say?” he asks. “You gonna stop growling at me and lunging for me?”

 

The coat slithers off Mark’s lap and closer to him. It’s not growling, or lunging.

 

Gary glances at his bandmates, then at Robbie, who nods encouragingly. “Please don’t somehow bite me,” he mutters, then reaches for the coat with one hand. He has no idea how a coat could bite him, but if any coat could, it’s this one.

 

His fingers brush over the fringes, and he’s surprised by how warm and smooth they feel. He’s stroking the back of it, just above the hem.

 

“See, that wasn’t so hard, was it,” Robbie says, sitting down next to him. He reaches for the coat too, which jerks out of the way. “Oh, come on, I’m nice!”

 

“It doesn’t know you, Rob,” Mark tells him, looking very pleased with himself. “Maybe take it slow?”

 

Robbie pouts for a moment, and pulls his hand back. “Fine.” He puts his hand near one of the sleeves, watching the coat as it slithers closer. “D’you think it’s sniffing me?”

 

Gary, who is still carefully stroking the back of the coat, shrugs. “Who knows?” He smiles as the coat lets itself be petted by Robbie. Maybe it _is_ a harmless coat after all. “Just so you know,” he says, “I am still gonna make fun of you.”

 

The coat rustles, somewhere between its pleased high-pitches noises and its growl.

 

“Look, you have to admit, you look a bit… weird,” Gary tells it. “I can’t not.”

 

“How about a compromise?” Mark suggests. “You can make jokes about the coat, but not about wanting to destroy it.”

 

That seems fair enough. “Deal,” he says, taking his hand off the coat to shake Mark’s outstretched hand.

 

The coat makes a soft, rustling noise, and is slithering to where Mark’s and Gary’s hands are meeting.

 

“I think it likes you now, Gary,” Howard says, grinning. “Best go back to petting it again.”

 

He’s sceptical at first, but sure enough, once his hand comes down on the back of it, it makes a pleased noise.

 

“Now can you please tell Jay the coat really is alive? I’ve had about three emails from him today about the dangers of denial.”

 

“We were just worried about you,” Howard mutters, but he’s grinning. “How about we make just make a video for him? Of us petting the coat?”

 

“He’ll think we’re having him on.” Mark’s already digging his phone out of his back pocket. “Still, we should probably let him know everything’s fine.”

 

Gary doesn’t think a thirty-second video of him petting a coat that’s making high-pitched noises while Robbie loudly tells Mark’s phone that he loves him, is going to assure Jason the coat is really alive, especially not with Howard telling the phone that it’s definitely not special effects.

 

Mark sends it anyway.

 

“Well, I think that’s him out for the next album as well,” Gary says dryly. “Thanks for that.”

 

“You’re assuming he’s got a phone that’ll let him play videos at all,” Robbie tells him.

 

But surprisingly, a couple of minutes later, Mark gets an email from Jason, and he laughs when he reads it. “ _I should’ve known things would fall apart without me, thanks for proving it. Tell Howard to be careful with that boa of his._ ”

 

Howard eyes Gary. “You heard Jay. No insulting my boa.”

 

“Wouldn’t dare,” Gary says. “The two of ‘em might team up with my jacket, and take over the entire show.”

 

Robbie laughs. “On the bright side, it definitely won’t try to kill you in your sleep.” He slings one arm around Gary. “But I’m not too sure if it won’t still suddenly turn up in your hotel room.”

 

Mark and Howard snigger, and even Gary’s smiling. He’s had his fair share of dogs demanding cuddles in the middle of the night. “I’m not having sparkly fringes in my bed,” he tells the coat. “Go and find Mark’s hotel room instead.”

 

The coat slithers closer to Mark, but one of its sleeves remains next to Gary. “Well, I’ve had weirder things crawl into bed with me in the middle of the night,” Mark says. He scratches the coat where the arm meets the vest, and the coat’s rustling is even higher-pitched now. “Oooh, you definitely like that!”

 

Robbie looks at Gary. “I have no idea what he’s talking about, honest,” he says, as Mark coos at his coat.

 

Gary decides not to press him further. He no longer has a sentient coat after him, and that’s the only thing that matters.


End file.
